omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
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