My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
