Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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