true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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