Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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