i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
