I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
