Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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