My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Randomize
