i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
