I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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