I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
