Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Randomize
