I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
