My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize