omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
