her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
Would I do it again? Probably not but still,I don't regret a single ratchet thing I've done in college.
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