So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
