Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
