this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
