It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
I just answered "If only I knew" for a quiz in criminology, she loved it. I got an A
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
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