Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
