Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
