Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
