just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
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