It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
