apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
