the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
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