i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
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