I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm bleeding and have questions
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
