she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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