so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
