Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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