Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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