I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
