end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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