Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
