I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
do herpes really smell.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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