I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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