my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
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