she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I am 5' 11" of pure, uncut Fuck Off right now.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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