i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
