Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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