my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
Randomize
