We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
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