so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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