When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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