i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
