mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Farmville is her only friend.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
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