My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
You may now shotgun with the bride
His dick is so big it could be an arm rest.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
