An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Randomize
