There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
