Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
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