I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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