Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Nothing says love like couples STD testing
Nothing says breakup like the results
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
