I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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