Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
