This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I think I'm emotionally ready to start being a slut again. I'm excited.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
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